Ah crap, I forgot this was a 3 hour show… So, it’s 8:30 and I’m just tuning in. I’ll get you the results up to this point and start from here. We’ve got a great guest host tonight in twitter’s cmpg. In the time I typed all this, a whole match happened, so I’d better get started!
Yours truly was in attendance three weeks ago in Buffalo when they filmed crowd footage for the new RAW open. That said, I doubt I’ll have made it in to the intro, but I’ll be looking nonetheless. Tonight’s show emanates from Madison Square Garden in New York City and is guest hosted by “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, and there’s a hell of a main event in store with DX vs. JeriShow vs. John Cena and The Undertaker! We’ve got our own guest host lined up, @AlyKat_730 from the Twitterverse. Want to guest host RAW for BoredWrestlingFan? Let us know, we’re on Twitter at @BrdWrstlngFn!
@robbyfischer @BrdWrstlngFn I got a beer ready. 🙂 Oh how I miss Austin.
While I may not be able to drink tonight, the beer will likely be flowing tomorrow night when yours truly and BWF’s Random Redhead JT get an early start on our birthday celebrations tomorrow night. For tonight though, it’s time for RAW in Sheffield, England!
@BigBBrown Adolf Hitler will be guest hosting Monday Night Nitro tonight live from Hell.
@RDLee This tweet better make it in the review!!!!!! #BWF – just because we like you.
Last week: Chris Jericho and The Big Show destroyed John Cena and DX.
RAW still wants to be loved – at least, until next week. We’re live from Sheffield, England, and @ClubWWI’s @aaron24wood is in the house!
Ricky Hatton kicks things off as tonight’s guest host. He brags about winning a world title in the same building a few years ago, and then he’s interrupted by the WWE Unified Tag Team Champions, JeriShow, both of whom tower over him.
@IVHORSEMEN Damn Ricky been eating good #wwe #bwf
@_MFS_ good thing I’ve got an energy drink, it’ll keep me awake through the obligatory ‘interrupt the guest host to demand stuff’ start 2 #RAW #BWF
@cmpg Is Jericho and Big Show the unofficial welcoming committee for each new guest host? #WWE #RAW #BWF
Show makes fun of Hatton for being short, and Hatton says he loved it when Show got beaten by a boxer. Show offers Hatton a free shot. Hatton says he needs to get a ladder first. Show kneels down and is still almost as tall as Hatton. Hatton goes for the free shot, but Jericho stops him. Jericho says that Show has enough to worry about with Undertaker and Jericho as his opponents at Survivor Series. Show questions him and Jericho brags about the roll he’s been on. Show says he’s the only one walking out as World Heavyweight Champion at Survivor Series. Hatton makes a match for tonight – JeriShow vs. DX. Jericho says he’s just as bad as all the fans, as only Jericho can. Hatton tells him to speak English. Jericho says he is speaking perfect English. Hatton says he’s just a guy with a bad haircut.
BREAK IT DOWN!
DX arrive on the scene. They tell JeriShow that they’re lucky DX came to save them from getting knocked out by Hatton. Triple H tells Hatton that they’ll take care of the Honey Monster and Mr. Bean tonight. HBK says to forget about tonight, how about right now? He knocks Jericho out of the ring, and Show rolls up his sleeves as though he were going to take on all three of them, but he bails. DX and Hatton do the “two words” shtick and set off the pyro.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@spicypeanut HHH is speaking about humiliation while wearing spandex underwear while speaking to two men in nice suits. Hey Trips? Are you ok?
Last week: Alicia Fox won a Diva’s Boring Royal.
Kelly Kelly heads to the ring, and she’s got Gail Kim with her for some reason. Alicia Fox is her opponent, and has Jillian with her for some reason. Fox will be getting her Diva’s Championship match next week from Madison Square Garden, which will be attended by @steverechtman.
Alicia Fox def. Kelly Kelly
If you want a review of this match, I’ve got two words for ya. “Who Cares?” Fox wins with the scissor kick.
@fozzyfan RT @WellYoureWrong: I’m convinced Kelly Kelly has no soul. #wwe <– Or brain, or talent, or…
Ricky Hatton introduces his kid to John Cena, who says Hatton is doing an awesome job, but complains that he’s not booked. Hatton says somethingorother that I couldn’t be arsed to pay attention to.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@AndrewJanus god in heaven…he let his son out of the house dressed like that? #WWE #RAW (Hatton’s kid was wearing a bunch of John Cena and DX merch)
@x_tialicia yuck, Cena is on my tv screen. back to reading Cosmo. #WWE
Last Monday: Sheamus damn near killed Jamie Noble.
Speaking of Sheamus, he’s here! He’s also a part of Team Miz at Survivor Series. It’s Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, Sheamus, and Drew McIntyre vs. John Morrison, Shelton Benjamin, Finlay, Evan Bourne, and Matt Hardy. Sheamus says that last week he said he’d end Jamie Noble’s career, and he did. Right now, he’ll do what the Irish have always done – walk through this Englishman and make him look like a fool
Sheamus vs. some English dude
Poor English dude, he doesn’t even get a name. Sheamus destroys him with ease.
Still to come, Mark Henry vs. Randy Orton, and DX vs. Jeri-Show.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@NiKiharu How to beat Sheamus: Wrestle during the day. He won’t show up.
The Bella Twins are sucking up to Ricky Hatton backstage. I still can’t understand a word this guy is saying. They challenge him to a game of darts, when Santino shos up dressed like a fat boxer. Santino says his name today is Ricky Fatton. Chavo Guerrero shows up and accuses Santino of sucking up. Chavo says he can beat Hatton at anything. He throws a dart and nearly misses the board, while Hatton gets a bullseye. Chavo says he’s not here to play darts, he’s here to challenge Santino. Hatton says we’ll do boxer vs. wrestler, Chavo vs. Ricky. Not Ricky Fatton, Ricky Hatton.
Look at this tool.
The tool, Josh Matthews, is standing by with The Miz, and wondering how he thinks he’ll be successful at Survivor Series? Miz reminds us that he’s the only person from RAW to win his Bragging Rights match last month, beating captain John Morrison. Jack Swagger interrupts. He says Miz is in awe of Jack Swagger, and brags about being undefeated. Miz should watch what he does to Evan Bourne. They do a babbling argument promo and I lose track of it. Really.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@DCsPeoplesChamp I wonder how many takes it took for Hatton to get a bullseye…Santino still owns! #bwf
@xsmoothx #RAW You’re watching Monday Night REALLLLLLLY!!!!
@legendkiller515 raw is getting real stale real fast
I agree with @legendkiller515 (no, that’s not BWF’s Legend Killer, if you’re wondering), this show is getting real stale real fast. Maybe this guy can make it better – Evan Bourne hits the ring, and he’s set to job to The All American American, Jack Swagger.
Evan Bourne def. Jack Swagger
As Swagger is dominating this match, The Miz makes his way to the ring. Swagger tries to show off, but he gets kneed in the skull by Bourne, who hits the Shooting Star Press for the win!?!
After the match, Miz says he’s the team captain at Survivor Series, because he’s The Miz, and he’s AWESOME!
Mark Henry is up next!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@jswrestling It’s still hard for me to believe that Mike from The Real World Season 10 is our US Champion. He’s come a long way.
@_MFS_ So Mark Henry was either doing push ups while standing up or trying to push over a brick way, either way… FAIL #WWE #RAW #BWF
Two weeks ago: Yours truly was subjected to the terrible guest hosting of Kyle Busch and Joey Lagano. Busch, in the RAW car, won at Texas. Whatever that means.
I thought we were going to have a match. but apparently it’s the VIP Lounge with MVP and Mark Henry. They’re in yet another traditional Survivor Series match – Kofi Kingston captains Christian, MVP, Mark Henry, and R-Truth against Randy Orton’s team featuring Legacy, William Regal, and CM Punk. MVP does the usual VIP Lounge spiel. Mark Henry introduces their guest, Kofi Kingston. JAMAFRICAN ME CRAZY, KOFI! They take turns putting each other over. Randy Orton and Legacy crash the VIP Lounge after intimidating the bouncer. Orton calls them a bunch of low class street thugs. Mark Henry stole a victory, MVP is the definition of the common criminal, and Kofi Kingston should be in jail for what he did to Orton’s car. The only reason Orton hasn’t done anything is because he wants to embarrass Kofi and his team at Survivor Series. Legacy mock the VIP Lounge, and Orton says that they were born into this business and belong here. The only place Henry, MVP, and Kingston belong is the hood where they came from.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@MissieBird Oh no he didn’t! (at least he didn’t say the only place you belong is in the back of the bus… )
Randy Orton def. Mark Henry
This match is already going on when we come back, and the two combatants’ respective allies are ringside. In the end, Orton drops an RKO out of nowhere for the victory.
After the match, Kofi comes in to check on Henry. Orton slaps him, but Kingston slaps him right back.
Up next, Ricky Hatton faces Chavo Guerrero. Joy.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@_MFS_ I honestly fell asleep during that last match, woke up when my upstairs neighbor dropped something #WWE #RAW #BWF
@AlyKat_730 … *sighs* I don’t want to watch the main event… and I don’t really wanna watch the boxer v wrestler match.
@chjpacheco #BWF raw has lost it’s step its always boring
The new RAW theme that we told you about two weeks ago is debuting next week. When did Nickelback become the number one band in America? First of all, they suck. Second of all, they’re Canadian.
OOOH, JOBBO!
Chavo’s here, and at least he’s not singing. Ricky Hatton is here dressed like a Mexican. Seriously. Cole even calls him “The Manchester Mexican.” I don’t know if that’s a real thing or not, but it’s ridiculous. Hatton can only win by knockout, Guerrero only by pinfall or submission.
Ricky Hatton def. Chavo Guerrero
Guess what happened? Hatton punched Guerrero and won the match by knockout. Cole says it’s 33 knockouts now for Hatton, as if it actually counts.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
@swimbabe5409 Wtf? Wwe really needs to give @mexwarrior the push he deserves!
@TheGiorgis I’m watching Ricky Hatton vs Chavo Guerrero on RAW. WHY???????
John Cena tries to convince Hornswoggle to stop wearing DX gear. DX shows up, and give Cena the third degree. Cena tells them they should focus on their tag match tonight. They turn “Tweeting” into some kind of gay joke. Thanks Trips. I’m sure all of these folks that were mentioned in this post so far appreciate that. Anyways, DX ask where Hornswoggle is, and Cena calls for him. Hornswoggle comes out from hiding dressed like Cena and does the “Can’t see me” thing. DX leaves and Hornswoggle takes the cena gear off and has his DX gear still on under it.
The Big Show and Chris Jericho take on DX, NEXT!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Well folks, each and every week, I have to work Monday Nights and it makes me miss the end of the show, and we, like the WWE, have a guest host for Monday Night RAW. Well, tonight is a historic night for BoredWrestlingFan – it’s the first time since we started doing the guest host thing that we’ve got somebody who isn’t a writer for the site taking over. Volunteering for the guest hosting spot this week is one of our Twitter followers, @aemckay!
Cena is with Cole and The King and they discuss Hornswoggle as DX enter the ring.
Michaels and Jericho start the match with some back and forth running strikes. HBK tags in Hunter, who Whips Jericho into the corner. Jericho fights back and backs HHH into the opposite turnbuckle. Jericho hits an Irish Whip and on his way back HHH strikes him with a high knee. Jericho tries again and gets thrown out of the ring as we go to a break.
We come back to find Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels in the ring. Jericho slaps Michaels, then tags in Big Show. Show chokes him and then launches him into the ropes. Michaels counters, goes to pin, and gets thrown off. Big Show gets up, headbutts HBK, walks over him and then tags Jericho back in. Jericho grinds HBK down with some grapples and then tags Show back in. Show brings HBK into the middle of the ring and he jumps in to take HHH.
Show throws HHH to the ropes, goes to anticipate a clothesline and gets a jumping knee for his troubles. HHH then attempts a Pedigree and is thrown over Shows back. Show then takes him to the corner and tags Jericho back in. Jericho kicks HHH, showboats, and then locks in a sleeper hold.
HHH slowly gets up and breaks it, but Jericho knocks him back down. He mocks Micheals then pins Hunter for a 2 count. Jericho tags Show back in and they use HHH’s legs like he was a wishbone. While he’s still on the ground Show walks over then stands on HHH.
Show takes HHH into a turnbuckle, then another, before Hunter tries to fight back. Show knocks him down again and then splashes him, getting a 2 count. Show then grips HHH’s mid section as Jericho talks smack, and Cena quotes him as calling Show “a giant destroyer”.
Show brings HHH up, chops him then tags Jericho in. HHH and Jericho have some back and forth punching until Jericho backs him into the corner and beats on him. Jericho takes HHH to the other corner, goes to Irish Whip him, but HHH gets in a spinebuster. HHH crawls to HBK for a tag, who gets in some vintage running stikes and a kip up, before knocking Show off the apron. Michaels then goes to the top rope for a flying elbow drop, tries to hit a Sweet Chin Music, Jericho counters into a Walls Of Jericho attempt, but HBK fights it off.
Show then comes in as they go into a corner, squashing them both. HBK turns round as Show tries to KO punch him, but HBK ducks and hits Jericho. HHH then takes Show out of the ring and Michaels gets the win.
Justin Roberts then cuts the DX music off to announce that hes just been informed that next week’s main event on RAW will be a triple threat tag team match. It will be D-Generation X vs Chris Jericho & Big Show vs John Cena and his partner…
Cena is standing on top of the announcers table with a smile on his face as we hear a gong sound and the lights go out. We then see flames and smoke at the top of the ramp and The Undertaker appears. DX and Jeri-Show look puzzled as Cena looks confident and ‘Taker stares them all down.
Michael Cole then hypes up the fact it will be at Madison Square Garden next week. He fails to mention the good news of Roddy Piper being the guest host and the bad news of Nickleback’s song being the new RAW theme. That’s Monday Night Raw for another week. It was a decent back and forth tag match but it seemed a little short. I’m sure next week will make up for that though.
Thanks to @aemckay and all the rest of the twitterverse who made it into this week’s RAW review!
What’s up! It’s Rizzle fo’ shizzle dizzle! Whatever that means. Snoop Doggy Dogg is your host (does he still call himself that, or is it just Snoop Dogg now? In which case, does that mean he can’t perform the song “What’s My Name?” anymore, since it says his name is Snoop Doggy Dogg?), and word on the street is, there’s a former WWE Intercontinental Champion in the hizzle looking to shut up the United States Champion, the Miz. All this and commentary from the Twitterverse, tonight!
To quote the underrated band Unwritten Law, “I’m sick of my sickness.” I feel like crap right now, so my goal tonight is to do as little as possible to get through this review before I turn it over to whomever tonight’s BWF guest host will be.
Chris Jericho kicks things off, explaining WWE Bragging Rights, explaining that the main event will be a 7 on 7 tag match between RAW and SmackDown. Jericho says he can choose whichever side he wants since he’s a Unified Tag Team Champion, but he’s been named the SmackDown team captain and plans to put together a great team. Guest Host Nancy O’Dell interrupts and tells him that we don’t start RAW with him, we start it with DX.
BREAK IT DOWN!
Shawn Michaels and Triple H make their way out to the ring. Or at least, Triple H does. Mark Eaton, the timekeeper, gets in the ring and does the running around Triple H bit. The Game says we’re doing things differently tonight. Are you ready?
For the thousands in attendance, the millions watching at home, and Shawn Michaels who’s not here. He says he got a call from HBK, with whom he was going to set up the RAW team for Bragging Rights. He could go ahead and make the team, but instead he’s going to be a true friend and call HBK at home and badger him. HBK’s voicemail is a parody of his theme music. HBK picks up. Triple H and the DX Army want to know where he is. He says his daughter got sick and he had to stay home. He just put her to sleep and finished reading her a bedtime story. Triple H asks if it was from the Unauthorized History of DX that’s on sale now, would he? He says he wouldn’t read his daughter that crap… um… he means… he means that of course he read it! Triple H says he reads it to his kids all the time. HBK says goodbye to Indianapolis, and Triple H is then interrupted by Chris Jericho and The Big Show. Jericho puts over SmackDown. Triple H says SmackDown is a good show. A very good show with a spineless GM that does whatever Vince says, it features a grumpy little troll who runs his mouth all the time (that’s Jericho), and it features great, great, wrestling. Y’know, like The Great Khali. Triple H says it’s nowhere near the league of RAW (Editor Note: He’s right. It’s in a much much better league). Jericho says that he’s going to take The Big Show for the SmackDown team despite the fact that he’s a RAW Superstar. Triple H says that Jericho’s the boss, then makes a couple of gay jokes. Show says that he and Jericho are equals, and Big Show carries the team. Jericho asks him what he just said. Show says he’s not the one who got pinned last week. Jericho says he’s not the one who was the laughing stock of Sportscenter after being humiliated by Shaquille O’Neil. Show says that at least he didn’t get punked out by a 200 Year Old fossil named Bob Barker. Jericho says he’d face Barker anywhere in the world. Jericho says he’s the best in the world at what he does, and he’s made The Big Show a champion. He’s no longer known as the guy who got knocked out at WrlestleMania 24 by Floyd Mayweather. Big Show tells Triple H he’s changed his mind and wants to be on the RAW team at Bragging Rights. Triple H says it’s the greatest news he’s heard, but unfortunately they don’t have any spaces open. He says he’ll do him a favor though. He’s been given the authority to earn his slot on the RAW team. All he’s got to do is win his match tonight. Show says he can do it. His opponent tonight is Chris Jericho. Oh yeah, and that match is now. The Tag Team Champions don’t look happy as Triple H leaves.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
From some of our friends on Twitter:
@fozzyfan: They ruined a perfect opening of Raw by interrupting @IAmJericho for Triple Nose? Thumbs DOWN
@IAmJHPunk: How did HHH already talk to the guest host & get permission 2 make the match when he barely found out that Show wants 2 switch? #wwerawfail
The Big Show def. Chris Jericho
Big Show tries to calm Jericho down, but Jericho keeps slapping him. Show slaps him off the top rope, and Jericho falls to the floor clutching his knee. Show goes to help him up, and Jericho tries to sneak back into the ring before the 10 count. Show prevents that from happening and gets back in the ring himself for the count out victory.
Maria Menudos is standing by with Legacy. She asks how they’re doing and if they should be on team RAW at Bragging Rights. They both think they should be. There will be a triple threat match later tonight, and the winner will be on Team RAW. It’s Rhodes vs. DiBiase vs. Cena.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
From the Twitterverse:
@leomc2: what a waste of 30 minutes that was #wwe #raw
@dasharpshooters: John Cena wants to qualify? dude is in a IRON MAN MATCH. #supercena #wwe #raw
The Indiana Pacers are in the house. And The Diva’s Champion is here – out first for a title defense. Tradition be damned. Apparently, Mickie James’ challenger is Jillian. How the hell did that happen?
Jillian Hall def. Mickie James to become the new WWE Diva’s Champion?!?
Um. What? Jillian just beat Mickie James to become the Diva’s Champion? Mickie had her foot on the ropes, but I guess it counts.
From Twitter: @SanzJohnson: since jill the new champ, hopefully she can get a new theme, outfit, and face! #WWE #RAW
Jillian decides to sing Lady GuyGuy’s song “Paparazzi.” She’s interrupted by the sounds of Lenny Kravitz’ version of “American Woman,” which brings out Nancy O’Dell. She made a major Diva’s trade over the weekend. Jillian is still on RAW. The bad news for her is that she has to defend her Diva’s Championship against RAW’s newest Diva right now. She knows a thing or two about paparazzi… MELINA IS BACK ON RAW! Jillian scrambles to put her belt around her waist before Melina gets to the ring.
Melina def. Jillian Hall to become the new WWE Diva’s Champion
Well, thanks for coming, Jillian. I wonder why Mickie dropped the title?
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
From Twitter: @BigD923: Thank you Melina, Jillian as Divas Champions would of sucked!!! #WWE #RAW
@steverechtman: Between Nancy O’Dell and Maria Menunos, this is some of the best mic work that the #WWE had had in a very long time. #Raw
Snoop Dogg is the guest host for next week’s RAW.
Triple H is talking to a cardboard cutout of HBK. Actually, he’s talking to him on speaker phone. Shawn’s music starts playing, and Hornswoggle comes out dressed like HBK! Shawn says he’s not watching and he’s going into the living room to see what’s going on. Triple H says it’s gimmick infringement, and Hornswoggle hits sweet shin music on the HBK cutout. Triple H tries to save him, but Hornswoggle knocks The Game down and gives him a crotch chop.
Full details of the Diva trade will be available on WWE.com after RAW tonight
Santino is with Nancy O’Dell, who is the Sexy Superfan of the Month from WWE Magazine. Santino does his best anchor work when Beth Phoenix comes in and shoves him out of the way. She says that she heard she’s been traded to SmackDown. Phoenix pretty much says she’ll kick O’Dell and Menoudos’ asses. Santino says that Maria isn’t scared, she’d compete against Phoenix in some kind of match tonight. Santino says it’s official while O’Dell tries to tell him it’s a bad idea. Santino says he faked every “organism” with Beth Phoenix in the past.
Last Week: An Iron Man Match was made for Bragging Rights
From Twitter: @DCsPeoplesChamp: Why do they keep Hornswaggle around? #midgetfail
@WellYoureWrong: Okay, how drunk and or high do you have to be to sit through Cena Vs Orton for an Hour? #wwe
@ANDaniloTheRef: Beth to SD!? I can only imagine the Matches she could have against Natalya but, the Matches ain’t gonna happen. Damn Bikini Models! #WWE
WrestleMania 26 Tickets go on sale in 26 days.
Legacy make their way out for their triple threat match. John Cena comes out and we’re ready for action.
John Cena vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Ted DiBiase
The idea here is that Legacy are going to try and soften up Cena for his Iron Man Match at Bragging Rights, but they still want to win and get onto team RAW for Bragging Rights. Orton came out and distracted Cena while he had DiBiase in an STF, and Rhodes rolled DiBiase up for the pinfall.
DiBiase isn’t thrilled with being pinned, and Orton tries to get them to calm down, and Nancy O’Dell makes a match for later tonight – Legacy vs. John Cena and Randy Orton.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
From Twitter:
@HandsomeGenius: #Raw – The they could team Rhodes with Chavo Geurrero and keep the Legacy gimmick alive. (This tweet is far-fetched.)
@johnnyz4282: So that was our first real match of the evening. Time, 10:13pm #wwe
@WellYoureWrong: I’m not a big Legacy fan but Cena didn’t win so, I approve.
The Indianapolis Colts are here, and we’ve got a Bragging Rights qualifying match set for one fall. First, it’s the All-American American Jack Swagger, who has guaranteed he won’t lose a match for the rest of the year. His opponent tonight is a former United States Champion, MVP!
Jack Swagger vs. MVP
Swagger actually won this one pretty easily. Impressive victory for the All-American American.
So far, team RAW is DX, Big Show, Cody Rhodes, and Jack Swagger.
Legacy are still arguing backstage. Orton says he won’t team with Cena and he won’t let O’Dell tell him what to do. He’s not going to let himself get tagged in, so it’ll be a handicapped match. DiBiase says that Rhodes is thinking what it would mean to pin both DiBiase and Orton in one night. Rhodes says that DiBiase is thinking that he can redeem himself by pinning Orton tonight. Orton says if that’s what they’re thinking, they’d better keep thinking.
Kofi Kingston makes his way out for a Bragging Rights qualifier. His opponent tonight is the high flying Evan Bourne.
Kofi Kingston vs. Evan Bourne
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
From the Twitterverse:
@aemckay: Kofi Kingston vs Evan Bourne? Wow. This is going to be awesome.
@NekoEyes: Evan Bourne’s theme music is KA!
@MigotoShiShi: Evan Bourne looks like Cody Rhodes and The Miz’s love child…
Back from break, the match is underway. A hard fought match, but Bourne gets caught with a Trouble In Paradise kick, giving Kofi the victory, and qualifiying him for Bragging Rights.
The RAW team is now Big Show, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Cody Rhodes, Jack Swagger, and Kofi Kingston. Mark Henry and Chris Masters will have the final qualifier this Thursday on Superstars.
Triple H is still talking to Shawn Michaels when Nancy O’Dell and Maria Menoudos come in, shill the book, and ask if Maria is ready for her match tonight. Chavo comes in and asks what’s up with Triple H and Hornswoggle. He thinks it’s a conspiracy. Triple H says he doesn’t like the troll anymore than Chavo does. Chavo says he should be the captain of the RAW team. Triple H has Menoudos kick him in the balls. HBK says if you’re not down with that, they’ve got two words for you.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
From twitter:
@SanzJohnson: chavo isnt a stuntman anymore..he’s on crash test dummy level #WWE #RAW
@WellYoureWrong: If you wearing the PPV T-Shirt, You’re not going to be on said PPV. #wwe
@BradMilner: Poor Chavo … he’d give anything to be opening on Nitro again
It’s time for 6 Diva tag team action. Beth Phoenix and her team (Alicia Fox and Roza Mendez) are already in the ring. Their opponents are Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, and Maria Menoudos. Before the match we get a sneak peek at Menoudos’ new movie, “Serial Buddies.”
Maria Menoudos, Kelly Kell, and Gail Kim def. Beth Phoenix, Alica Fox, and Rosa Mendez.
I stopped paying attention for a second and I missed the end of the match, but I know the faces won.
Later tonight, it’s Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase against Randy Orton and John Cena!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
As is customary on Monday Nights, I’ve got to take off and won’t be able to watch the RAW main event. I’ll turn it over to this week’s BWF guest host, Drowgoddess. Take it away, Drow!
Hi!
We get a recap of The Miz (and he’s awesome!) winning the US title from Kofi Kingston. Then we actually get The Miz, title and mic in hand. He tells us to show some respect to the new United States Champion. He asks if he’s bragging too much, and says to get used to it. At “Bragging Rights,” The US Champ from RAW faces the Intercontinental Champ from Smackdown, John Morrison. John Morrison was nothing more than a hairdo with abs. The Miz was the talent of their tag team. Morrison is the new Richard Simmons, who will wear bedazzled tank tops and hang out with 400-pound women while the Miz is the face of the biggest company in the world. Any promo by The Miz is, of course, AWESOME!
Cole and Lawler run down the matches from Smackdown that will be on the ppv card, then push the Cena/Orton 60-minute Iron man match.
Randy Orton & John Cena vs. Legacy: Orton enters first. We go to commercial. When we return, Legacy is already in the ring. Orton has the mic, and says that he just got off the phone with Snoop Dogg, next week’s guest host. Snoop agreed that since it may be Cena’s last RAW, Cena will compete in one of the biggest matches of his career next Monday night. Cena enters, and the roof is blown off. Orton jumps down off the apron and stares at Cena. Legacy bicker in their corner before DiBiase and Cena lock up. Actual mat grappling for a bit. DiBiase drives Cena into the corner with kicks and punches, and Rhodes wrenches Cena’s neck. Legacy double-teams Cena. DiBiase and Cena again. Punches fly. Rhodes locks in a variation of the Camel Clutch on Cena. After this match, we will learn who Cena’s opponent next week is. Rhodes works the submission holds, but Cena stands and plants Rhodes. Cena tags Orton in when Orton glances down, and Cena stays far away from Orton. Orton has to wrestle Rhodes, and Rhodes tries to pin Orton! Cena loves it, and Orton is surprised. DiBiase tags in and tries to pin Orton repeatedly. Orton tags Cena in, and they make constipated faces at each other. Cena lays out DiBiase, and prepares for the Attitude Adjustment, but Orton tags in right then. DiBiase tags in, and pins Orton! Orton is livid and stunned. Cena waits for Orton, and hits him with the Attitude Adjustment when he finally turns around.
Winners: Legacy (Ted DiBiase Jr. pinned Randy Orton)
The huge announcement of John Cena’s opponent for his possible last match ever on RAW? Triple H. No, really, it is.
Peace out!
(P.S. from ThinkSoJoE – thanks to all of you from the Twitterverse who kept me entertained through this show!)
RAW is in the capital city of mine and JT’s home state, Albany, NY.
We’re kicking things off with the VIP Lounge with your host MVP, and his tag team partner, The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry. That means, big things poppin’, little things stoppin’. Whatever that means. MVP gets ready to introduce tonight’s guest host…
WELLL… BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
The World Tag Team Champions are here, and the VIP Lounge security doesn’t stop them. Jericho says shame on MVP for giving an introduction like that to a man like Reverent Al Sharpton. He shouldn’t call him a guest host. He should call him the greatest civil rights leader of all time. MVP and Jericho go back and forth over Sharpton’s accolades. MVP goes for the introduction again, but Jericho steals his thunder.
Reverend Al Sharpton comes to the VIP Lounge to “Living In America.” He says it’s the most elaborate introduction he’s ever gotten in his life – and the fans boo. He says it’s a tough crowd, and that tomorrow in Philadelphia, he’ll be embarking on a tour to promote education reform. MVP says we need reform on RAW in the form of the Unified Tag Team Champions. He suggests that Mark Henry and himself should face Beauty And The Beast, JeriShow, here tonight. Sharpton asks Jericho what he thinks. Jericho says he’s surrounded by hypocrites and parasites, liars and people with no morals. Jericho says they can’t have another match tonight because they’re already competing against John Cena in a gauntlet match, and they’ve already beaten MVP and Mark Henry. Jericho says the people don’t deserve to be educated, because they’re too far gone already. They shouldn’t have the right to vote and their opinions do not matter. Sharpton says everybody deserves and opportunity. He asks the fans if they want to see a championship match tonight. The fans cheer, and Sharpton says that we’re going to have a championship match, next! Jericho says it’s discrimination.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Chris Jericho & The Big Show def. MVP & Mark Henry
This must be some new record for RAW – we’ve got a match just 13 minutes into the show! I can’t honestly remember when the last time that happened was, though I’m sure there was probably one recently that I’m forgetting. In the end, despite the momentum built up by MVP, Jericho managed to hit the CodeBreaker for the victory!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Primo says that Reverend Sharpton is an inspiration to all minorities. Hornswoggle runs in, being chased by Chavo, who calms things down and introduces himself and his partner, Chris Masters. Santino comes in and calls Chavo and Masters the Geico Cavemen. He then confuses Sharpton with Don King and Issac Hayes. Sharpton tells Primo he’s not sure what he’s gotten himself into. Primo says it gets a little loco around here, and welcomes him to Monday Night RAW.
Josh Matthews is standing by with Randy Orton. Orton says that Cena doesn’t stand a chance to survive tonight, let alone compete. Then he goes on the usual spiel about having been in a Hell In A Cell match before and he says he’ll win the WWE Championship.
Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendez are walking backstage. I was hoping they were walking towards the exit, but The King says we’ve got Diva action, NEXT!
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Ugh. I don’t even feel like covering the entrances for this match, let alone the match. Let’s just get this over with.
Mickie James def. Rosa Mendez
The Carolina Panthers scored a touchdown and are up 7-0 over the Cowboys during this match. Mickie won. That’s all I know.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
We get a glimpse of a Hell In A Cell hanging above the ring for no apparent reason. Hey look, Legacy are here!
DiBiase says that they get it. Nobody expects them to win on Sunday. Nobody expects them to beat DX in the Cell. But you should, because of what they’ve done to them over the past few weeks. For those with short attention spans, Legacy have put together a video for you. I got a phone call and missed a bunch of what Legacy said, but HBK said they were boring. DX is up in the stands and making fun of them. Legacy get mad and DX make fun of them some more. Cody interrupts, and HBK interrupts Cody to tell him that Triple H wasn’t finished. Essentially it comes down to, “why wait ’til Sunday?” DX head down the stairs and to the ring. Legacy bail, and Triple H says there’s no hiding on Sunday and that for Legacy, it’s going to be pure Hell.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
The All American American Jack Swagger has a flag on his belt. That’s because it’s the United States Championship he stole from The Miz, who stole it from Kofi Kingston last week. The three of them will be in a triple threat match at Hell In A Cell for the title. Swagger’s jobber to the stars opponent tonight is Evan Bourne.
Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
Bourne looks like a dwarf next to Swagger. Swagger picks up the win in a short match.
After the match, Swagger says he’s going to be the next US Champion. The Miz thinks otherwise. He says he’s been the most impressive draft pick for RAW this year, and that he’ll be the next US Champion. Swagger and The Miz start brawling, and Kofi Kingston shows up and steals his belt back.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Santino Marella and Hornswoggle make their way out to the ring, followed by Chavo Guerrero and Chris Masters, and we’re underway.
Santino & Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero & Chris Masters
Masters gets the blind tag and locks Santino in the Master Lock, passing out and losing for his team without Hornswoggle ever even getting in the ring.
After the match, Masters grabs Hornswoggle, and hooks him in the Master Lock, much to the surprise of Chavo, who decks Masters and takes off. Masters gives Chavo a “WTF” look as he leaves.
Lynyrd Skynyrd’s new album comes out tomorrow
Big Show, Chris Jericho, and Randy Orton are discussing strategy in the back.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
Ben Roethlisberger is the guest host of RAW next Monday, and is bringing the entire Steelers offensive line with him, apparently. The King and Cole run down the card.
On that note, I’m going to turn things over to this week’s guest hostess for BWF’s RAW review, the Empress of iMPACT, Drowgoddess!
Hey, all!
Reverend Al Sharpton is backstage. He still receives tremendous boos. He thanks everyone for the fun time that he has had. Jillian comes running up and interrupts him. She, fortunately, is not allowed to hang around and sing for extended lengths of time. Reverend Al dances with the Bella twins instead. We see John Cena backstage before we go to a commercial break.
When we return, John Cena enters first for the three-on-one gauntlet match. Whether Cena wins or loses, he must fight all three opponents, one at a time. Chris Jericho is up first.
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho: Cena tries to pin Jericho quickly, but Jericho squirms out repeatedly. Massive “Cena!” chants. Jericho lays into Cena with kicks to the midsection. Jericho attempts to wear down Cena with holds. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho rolls through and counters, continuing to punch Cena. In the face. Jericho is in control. Cena flattens Jericho with a shoulder tackle off the ropes. Cena takes Jericho down, and we can’t see him! Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Jericho fights out of the Attitude Adjustment. Walls of Jericho on Cena! Cena makes it to the bottom rope. Jericho refuses to release the hold. The referee counts to five. Jericho refuses to release the hold. Jericho is disqualified for refusing to break the hold, and Cena gets the win. Jericho only releases the hold when the Big Show reaches ringside.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
John Cena vs. the Big Show: Jericho remains at ringside to comment and encourage Show. Show pounds on Cena as we go to commercial break. When we return, Show drives Cena into the corner, and targets Cena’s lower back. Jericho shouts at Show and bangs his hand on the mat. Show catches Cena in a bear hug. Show drops Cena with a kick to the gut. Show goes for a chokeslam, but Cena counters with a DDT (By DDT, I mean a gently rolling summersault). Cena picks up Show for an Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho rushes the ring and knocks Cena down. Jericho and Show beat Cena down. Show is disqualified due to Jericho’s interference, and Cena gets a second victory.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
John Cena vs. Randy Orton: Orton enters slowly, staring unblinkingly at Cena. Cena gestures, “come get some.” No, King, Delirious doesn’t work for WWE. Cena is not Delirious. Sorry, I had to go there. 🙂 Orton slowly circles Cena, every inch the predator. They stand almost nose-to-nose. Cena raises one finger, and the Hell in a Cell cage lowers over them. Orton tries to escape, but Cena grabs him around the waist, and drags him back in as the cage lowers. Randy Orton has been outsmarted! The massive “Cena!” chants continue. Cena looks at the opened cage door. He looks at Orton. Orton must get past Cena to get out the door. They fight outside the cage door. Cena gets Orton up for an Attitude Adjustment, but Orton leaps up on the cage wall and climbs like Spiderman to the top. Cena follows. Cena and Orton square off on top of the Hell in a Cell cage. Which has lighting equipment sitting on it. For some reason. Cena hits Orton with an Attitude Adjustment on the roof of the cage. Cena stands tall over Orton, then drops down and talks trash. Cena appears to have won this match, though precisely how, is unclear.
Winner: John Cena
That’s it for RAW, everybody! Join us here at BWF for a staff round table for the Hell in a Cell pay-per-view, along with all the usual wrestling goodness!
Peace out,
Drowgoddess (for ThinkSoJoE)
Tonight, Cedric the Entertainer guest hosts, and Hell In A Cell opponents John Cena and Randy Orton sign the contract for their WWE Championship match.
Your Empress of “Impact” is, for one night only, your Reina of RAW! As I shall be missing this week’s “Impact,” I traded reviews with our fearless leader and founder, ThinkSoJoE. What fallout will we see from last night’s “Breaking Point” ppv? Will Trish Stratus have blonde hair again? Join us here and on the BWF thread for RAW, and find out!
Welcome everybody to this weeks edition of whatever it is I do here each and every week. So while I sit here and ponder the randomness of the world, here’s what I have for you all this week: (more…)
Well, I guess it’s me reviewing the show this week, since Legend Killer refuses to watch any WWE programming. Ah well. Dusty Rhodes is hosting, Jericho is facing MVP, and The Big Show battles Mark Henry. Let’s go!